Tuesday, August 2, 2011

corn hypnosis

I went into the fields. The night before gave me three hours of neurotic sleep. Waking up to a swarm in my head. I gave the morning a six am stretch to the sun and 10 mg of melatonin. To keep my brain engaged in the conversation with the neurotics that kept me up; chattering the night before.

I walked along a row of corn plants and was walking uphill, to the right the whole time. Going in circles, but it was different. I could have sworn I got that tassel when I walked by it five minutes ago. I swore I got that tassel.

It was an illusion from the melatonin and 118 heat index. And also, a parallel of the paradoxical paradigm that I'm waking up to in a cold sweat.

Our words and worries have been passed back and forth through our mirrors since I've met you. Playing ping-pong with the light and darkness. Never again I say. Never again you say. I'm not that. You're not that. We insist we're not making the same mistake twice. We insist that we are not that mistake. You must be crazy. Oh god I think I'm crazy. Either one of us is an extraordinary dick-head, or the dark corners of our minds drew guns on eachother. At the same time. Sleeping... Jinx!

There is no protocol for this. The rules are not elusive because they are foreign to me. They are elusive because they are non-existent. The space between us has a mind of it's own. And I curse myself because that's the place I want to electrify and animate. Desperately.

We can concentrate the eye of the storm into a four inch space between our own eyes. I know it because that's what kept us in orbit. And it has been 902 miles minus four inches too wide.

Sometimes though, and brief moments I know, I feel like I caught a glimpse from your fickle eyes... floating in the ether.

Friday, March 11, 2011

fear sent funk

I've had to constantly remind myself and stop these bitch thoughts. This is beautiful. I'm getting the start over that I wanted. I'm back to that naked vulnerable nowhere place. I tend to get frustrated cause all my dreams haven't come true yet. I must remember... this start over isn't the finished product. It is the first step in a long process. Everything that has happened to me, I knew - deep down - needed to happen. Be thankful that the universe did the things you did not have the spine to do.

Shut the fuck up Taylor and quit whining. You're not supposed to have everything figured out at once. Stop all that stinking thinking and do something.

My challenge for the next year, I've realized, will be the menial little details. Showing up to work, spending more wisely, and making good habits. Putting myself out there and meeting new people. Continuing to cut those things that just aren't feeding my soul out of my life. No matter how much I miss the trivial comforts. The ones that have stayed in your life are there for good reason. Quit crying over the people that you thought you trusted and knew so well. You obviously didn't. It happens all the time.

I am smart, and need to start acting like a smart person. I need to be thankful to have the opportunity to experience the ego death (that I encourage other people to face) for myself.

There are a lot of people that live silently in my brain. They each have their own personality, quirks, and favorite noises and colors. They speak in their own languages. Most of them are there because there is nobody in this world that remotely compares. Compensatory corpses. They spend most of their time sketching and re-sketching the plan for what they will do if I ever give them an appropriate avenue for escape. Other times, they are banging on the inner walls of my skull, making me throw up. "When you die, we will die with you. We will never see the light of day. If you respect us at all, what the hell are you waiting for?"

If you have any unique weirdness inside of you, you have an obligation to put that out into the world. What is inside of you may not be present in anybody else ever again.

What the hell am I waiting for?