COO9

This is stepping into a different river at the same place.

This is where I ran off to.

This is my day.

This is still my constant.

This is missing, worrying, and my new kind of faith.

This is my crash course on love, fear, and growing up fast.

When someone is seeking ... it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything ... because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal.

Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

ass

"The only bad thing about this story is I'm never going to be able to top it"

"Not necessarily."

"No, I'll never top this. How can I? It's impossible."

"Think of it like scrabble, when you get a really epic word, you can always add an 's' onto the end"

drinkeatsleepsmokewalktalksmilecry

An important thing that I think I'm slowly and finally learning...

Pessimism never got anybody anywhere.

now

like shooting fish in a barrel 

head/heart

First of all this explains everything. It's the e8 shape, the only thing I can believe as a sort of order, or plot of possibilities in the world. The super-connectivity thing helps me stay okay with everything. The only true enlightened experience I'd say I've had involved seeing this and feeling it in every fiber of my existence. If you wanna see a neat video involving the e8 shape you should check out Garrett Lisi on ted.com. 

You start off life in the middle. From there you make decisions that send you spiraling through a world of possibilities. Weaving through time and multi-universes. The quantum theories argue that every possibility is manifested in some parallel universes, and while that may be, it isn't relevant to individual perception. I'm here experiencing now because of the decisions I've made. And when I die, my perception is over and all that's left is whatever echoes are leftover from the things I did, as well as the physical stuff that made up my body, left for other living things to absorb and integrate into other living things and perceptions.

There's two ways you can make decisions. You can do what feels right in your heart and do what makes sense in your head. Some freaks will lie to you and say that things are in harmony with both desires. I think that's bullshit, they are just eloquent enough to make it sound like there's some perfect balance between two driving forces that almost always contradict each other. 

There's two things that can come of it, happiness and suck. This one is based mostly on perception, but I think if you go with your heart when you really want to go with your head, or vice versa, you'll wind up hating your situation regardless of the outcome. It looks like this.

 

The thing that I can't illustrate without three dimensions is that there are a billion different things you need to decide. Getting a nice looking haircut and landing a job. But the job takes you to a different city that you like. Somebody with a lot of influence over you gives you a different perspective and skews where the whole thing is plotted. It's hard to keep track of where you are or how you even got there. Shit things happen but they give you character, teach you something, or put you in a perfect place for something epic. Everybody in the world has their own e8 shape going on and they overlap and fuck with everybody elses experience. We're all e8s in a big gigantic infinite e8. How the fuck do you keep track of everything? How do you even go about making a good decision?

atc/atx

money/meaning

comfortable lover/exciting lover

anarchy/community

control/surrender

order/chaos

knowledge/faith

head/heart

what the fuck. too much. stop.

I'm Your Eagle Kisser

I'm fickle with my plans. To the point where I'll decide I'm sick of them before I actually play them out. So I've decided to become an air traffic controller. Two years of training, and I get a minimum 80,000 salary right out of the chute. That's more than enough money to grow some babies on.

Most of this decision is based upon jobs. I don't wanna have to fight for one next year. I don't want to have to get one next year. I don't want to have to worry about keeping one. I just want to start it and be done and not have to stress about advancing or any of that shit.

My biggest worry is getting dangerously depressed. There are 22 schools that train you to be an atc and none of them are near any of my safe zones. The whole reason I was going to leave denton in the first place was for my mental well being, but now I realize it's probably just cause I did drugs too often. But still, this is a move in the opposite direction.

But what if that 2012 apocalypse shit is real? My plan for a while was just to spend the next three years preparing for an apocalypse. Bomb shelter and sustainable farm out in the middle of nowhere. If it happens, sweet. I was ready. But if it doesn't happen, then I'll start my real job. 

But that'll just take the fun out of it. So my revised plan is to stock up on some books on how to do things, make things and survive. Then I'll get a motorcycle. I already have a hatchet. I'll get a GPS and all my friends can get one too. Shit's going down? Let's meet here. Or maybe we'll make maps. GPS probably won't work in the apocalypse.

It's all okay for me now, because I am convinced that I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be. Especially when I just kind of decide things on a spontaneous half-awake basis. I come off as flakey and anti-social, I'm aware. But it works for me. That's how I find people I like. Worthwhile events. Good stories. 

For example, a few weeks ago, I just got up and decided to leave a party. It was early, and I wasn't particularly tired. I just left. Do you want a ride home? No. I'll walk. I went by an empty lot and found this 90 year old woman who was stuck and freezing on the ground. I called Megan and Ginny and we got her back into her house and warmed her up. She looked up at me and said "you're a soul."

Alora is pregnant. I'm so excited. I just hope I get around to making that whelping box before she starts expelling fetuses from her vagina. I've got half a flask of tequila set aside so I can get at least a little ballsy before I get covered in birthing fluids. I'll be so happy for those first few weeks until we give them away. Puppies! I'm home! Then a swarm of fluffy yelping cuteness will tackle me and lick my face. I won't be able to stop giggling. It's too much cute already.

I'm in the bathroom hiding 'cause I

Came here dressed in tie-dyed

And this crowd's a bore

And AAAHHHH whatcha hanging with them for?